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  When I got out into the empty hallway I stood against the wall for a second trying to get my racing heart under control. Nine times out of ten there was nothing but chaos going on inside my body lately. I felt like it was slowly killing me but I didn’t know what to do about it. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom and slipped inside. I splashed my face with cold water and dried it off just as the bell rang. I tossed the paper towels away, took a deep breath and stepped back into the now busy hall as everyone poured out of their classes. I walked toward my locker and Jimmy, one of the guys in my math class high-fived me. By the time I got to my locker I’d been high-fived and bumped up about five times…for being a dick. A year ago that would actually make me feel good. Now, it just made me feel like…a dick.

  “Hey man, are we taking your car for lunch?” Lance was suddenly at my shoulder and a few more guys from the team were with him.

  “I don’t care. Where we going?”

  “Frosty King!” Scott piped up. I was just about as sick of Scott as I could possibly be. He was one of those guys that actually got off on being an ass. I wouldn’t doubt that he came in his pants every time he bullied someone…my step-brother included. He’s so arrogant about everything too. He thinks because his father is a defense attorney that he can get away with anything he wants to do.

  “Frosty King it is,” I said with a forced smile. We all headed toward the front doors of the school. We were almost there when Scott stopped and said,

  “Hey guys, look at this shit.” I turned around with Lance and another guy named Brett who was with us and saw Scott standing next to a poster for the Drama Club’s next production. I knew it was The Crucible even though Scott’s fat head was blocking the name because Alex had been studying the script for weeks now and I see it lying all over the house. I felt a knot in my stomach about where this was going. “The Crucible starring Alex Matthews as Reverend Samuel Parris. Look at that faggy costume.” He grinned at me and said, “Aw, your little gay brother is a star.”

  “Stop calling him that asshole. Let’s go eat.”

  “Stop calling him what? Gay?”

  “No, my brother.” The guys all laughed. I felt like a bigger ass than Scott.

  “Yeah, that sucks for you,” Scott said. “I hope you lock your bedroom door at night man.”

  I glared at him and said, “I’m going to lunch do you want a ride or not?”

  “In a minute,” he said. “It looks like there’s a rehearsal party too. We should go.”

  I had started back toward the door. I stopped and asked the question I already knew the answer to. “Go where?”

  “To the play…and the party. Some of those nerdy drama chicks are hot.”

  “I don’t want to see a gay play,” I said. “I’m fucking hungry man, come on.”

  Scott started walking then but when we got outside he said, “We should go and fuck all the nerdy girls at the party and then fuck up the play.”

  I heard Lance and Brett laugh. I tried to force a smile. “How do you suggest we do that?”

  “Well if you don’t remember how to fuck a woman I can’t help you there. Why has it been so long since you’ve been with a chick?”

  “You don’t know how long it’s been.”

  “I’m just saying I haven’t heard you even talking about one since that night you fucked Kelly.”

  “Not your business.” I was shaking inside. He was right. It had been months since I’d been on a date and I did have a reason, just not one I’d ever share with him. “Back to what we could do to screw up the play, focus!” I wanted him to focus on anything but me and why I wasn’t acting “normal” as per their standards. He thankfully let that go and said,

  “We could fuck with the props or the costumes. Wouldn’t it be cool if we made it so gay boy’s costume fell off of him when he was on stage?” I laughed along with the rest of them. The knot in my stomach was growing and pushing acid up into my throat. There was no way I could object. They’d turn on me the second they got a whiff of me protecting Alex. Fucking Scott. Sometimes I wonder if he wouldn’t like to see Alex naked. I just can’t wait for this year to be over so I didn’t have to worry about what these dickheads thought again. He slapped me on the shoulder. “What do you say? You could probably get ahold of the costume at home.”

  “He doesn’t bring them home.” That part was true anyways. He did all of that stuff in the auditorium. We all piled into my Camaro and I tried not to let anyone see how hard my hand was shaking as I put the key in the ignition. Alex wants to be an actor. These plays aren’t just fun to him, he puts his whole self into them, they’re important.

  “That’s cool, it’ll be more fun to sneak backstage and fuck with stuff anyways. Then we can film it as it happens and upload it to YouTube.” They all snickered again. I swear sometimes they’re like hanging out with sixth graders instead of seniors.

  I laughed too, speaking of a sixth grader. All I wanted to do was fit in, at any cost. “Yeah, that’ll be a fucking blast.”

  ********

  We met up with another five guys from the team at Frosty King and Scott told them the plan. They, of course, all loved and agreed to it. I managed to make it through lunch and even choke down a cheeseburger so none of them would wonder what was going on with me. When we got back to school I had a weight-lifting class. The guys were hanging out in the parking lot and I told them I had to get there early to change. Truthfully I just got sicker as they talked more about fucking up Alex and his play. I’m not sure where this sudden protective streak came from. I’d never felt anything like it before and I didn’t think I wanted to feel it again either.

  I was passing the cafeteria just as Alex and a girl with blue hair came out. I was going to pretend like I didn’t see him but this sudden attack of conscience was killing me. “Alex!”

  He turned and looked surprised when he saw me. I’m not sure if it was because I was alone or because unless my friends were fucking with him I usually ignored him at school. “Yeah?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  He pulled his eyebrows together, looked at his friend who I could now see had a ring in both her nose and her lip and then back at me. “About what?”

  I looked at the girl and said, “Alone.”

  “Is Mom okay?” He had a real concern on his face and it made me feel even more like shit. He was so blown away that I wanted to talk to him that he thought it had to be an emergency.

  “She’s fine as far as I know. It’s not about your mom. I have like five minutes, come on.”

  He whispered something to the pixie girl and then followed me into the weight room across the hall. No one was there yet so I closed the door and said, “Look, you didn’t hear this from me, but the team is planning on fucking with your play.”

  “What? How?”

  “I don’t know. They’re just going to fuck with your props or something and then film it.”

  “How do you know this?”

  “Because they told me.”

  “And did you tell them it was a bad idea?” I didn’t even answer that question. I didn’t have to. He already knew me too well. He smiled but there was no mirth in it as he said, “Of course you didn’t.”

  “Hey, I’m telling you, right? Fucking appreciate something will you?”

  “Oh I’m sorry, should I kiss your feet and say oh thank you great and powerful one?”

  “Get the fuck out of here, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He turned for the door and then turned back around and said,

  “I’m sorry Ryan. Thank you.” His conscience is a hundred times stronger than mine. I would never admit it but I was finding out that there were a lot of things Alex did better than me.

  “Yeah, no problem.” He left and I had a shitty workout because I couldn’t stop wondering if there was more that I should have done. I knew the answer to that. I just didn’t know how to change a lifetime of behavior overnight.

  Chapter Five

  Alex


  The rest of the day after Ryan pulled me into the weight room I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d just done. I’d resented him for so long for not standing up for me. This wasn’t exactly that…but it was a step in that direction, right? He was trying to help me, but why all of a sudden? I’m not usually a suspicious person. Normally I take people at face value. But this behavior was so out of character for Ryan that it did make me a little suspicious. At first, I wondered if he was up to something and then I wondered if he was offering to help me because I’d offered to help him, to tutor him. Maybe this was an example of what Mom always liked to say about catching flies with honey and not vinegar. I told myself then that over-thinking is another one of my psychiatric disorders. I finally decided that I was going to accept it for what it was, an olive branch. Before I went to play practice that day I went to see Mr. Fritz. He likes me so I was surprised at how grumpy he got when I asked him about getting some extra-credit work for Ryan.

  “Why isn’t he here asking me himself? He doesn’t do the regular credit work, what should make me believe he’ll do this? You’re not planning on doing it for him are you?”

  “No, sir. I’m planning on tutoring him. If you’d rather you can tell me what he needs to work on and have him do the assignments here in front of you…”

  “No. I don’t want to see him any more than I have to.” I smiled at that and said,

  “I feel you there, sir.”

  He didn’t smile. He rarely does. It’s like finding a Buffalo Head Nickel to see him smile. “I don’t want to see him at all, to be honest,” he went on, “His father must be a lot different than him if your mother married him.” He didn’t expect an answer to that and I didn’t offer one. As he was shuffling through his desk I smiled. Marty and Ryan were like twins. Marty had two things Ryan didn’t, maturity and my mother, the great equalizer. Marty will even admit that he was much more hot-headed in his younger days. I like Marty, but I didn’t have any trouble picturing him as a bully in high school.

  Mr. Fritz got together some extra credit work and I thanked him profusely. He wished me luck with a roll of his eyes. I tried not to smile again. I went to Ryan’s composition teacher and his Civics/Economics teachers too. They weren’t quite as grumpy about it as Mr. Fritz, but they seemed doubtful that Ryan would be able to catch up and I also had to promise them both I wasn’t going to do it for him. I’d finished most of my required classes by my junior year. This year I have mostly electives. I do have Civics but the instructor let me take the tests at my own pace and I finished that class in three months. I had World History but I’d just finished that last month. I showed up for school for attendance credit and drama class now. The teachers all loved me and I think that was the only reason any of them agreed to do this for Ryan.

  When I had everything I needed I took it all home. Mom was in the kitchen taking a roast out of the oven to baste it. “That smells good,” I told her with a kiss on her cheek.

  “Thank you. Marty’s co-worker Larry and his wife Jill are coming to dinner tonight.” I curled my lip and she hit me playfully with the cup holder in her hand. “Be nice.”

  “That was as nice as I could be,” I said truthfully. “That man talks so loud and so much…”

  She laughed. “Yes he does, but he’s nice. You can eat in the living room though if you want to. I think he and Marty have some business stuff to talk about anyways.”

  “Great. Is Ryan home?”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, he’s upstairs. He just got here a few minutes ago.”

  I held up the manila file in my hand, “I wanted to get started on the tutoring. What kind of mood is he in?”

  She smiled and shrugged. “He said hello quickly and I haven’t seen him since.”

  I sighed. “Okay, well, I’m going to give it a shot, but we’ll see. Dinner with Larry might be more appealing depending on my reception.”

  “Be nice,” she said again, but I heard her giggle as I went up the stairs. I’m glad she’s so amused by my angst. I stopped in front of Ryan’s door and raised my hand. I took a deep breath before I knocked. I wish that he didn’t make me so damned nervous. Once again I wished I could be more like him and just not give a shit. I finally knocked.

  “Yeah?”

  “Alex.”

  “Come in.” My palm was sweating as I reached for the door. Ryan and his dad moved in here with us when Mom and Marty got married because our house was bigger. It’s been over a year since he’d lived next door to me and this was the first time I’d ever been invited into his room. Usually, if I knock, he meets me at the door. I felt like I was living in an alternate universe and I hoped like hell he had some clothes on…maybe not all of them, but most.

  I pushed the door open. He was sitting at his desk in front of his computer. The screen was blank but there were windows at the bottom still open. He saw me looking and clicked on the little X in the corner and shut them all the way down. For some reason, I was curious about what he was looking at. I really didn’t know him at all. My guess would be porn, one of those MILF websites or “teenaged sluts.” “Hey, do you want to start the tutoring today?”

  He made a face. “Not really.” I turned back toward the door and he said, “Wait! I said I didn’t really want to, but I will. I don’t seem to have a choice.”

  “Sure you do. You can just not graduate and live with Mom and Marty forever and take care of them in their old age.” He flipped me off and I grinned. I looked around the room for something to sit on and he said,

  “Just sit on the bed.” I nervously walked over to my hot step-brother’s bed and sat down on it. I looked around at the posters and medals that covered his walls. The medals were all baseball awards and the posters were all professional teams or players. Right above his desk, there was a picture of a really pretty lady with blonde hair and green eyes. He saw me looking at it and said, “That’s my mom.”

  “She was beautiful.”

  He smiled. It wasn’t a sarcastic smile or a mischievous grin or a mean, evil smile. It was a real, genuine smile and it softened his features. I almost couldn’t look away. He’s beautiful. “Thanks, I think so.” He cleared his throat then and his deep, masculine voice was back as he said, “What’s first?”

  “I went to your teachers and got extra credit work for you…”

  “Sweet, then you can just do it.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m not doing it. I promised them all that I wouldn’t.”

  He smirked. “And heaven forbid the good son break a promise.”

  I rolled my eyes again and said, “Heaven forbid. Are we doing this or not?”

  He laughed and nodded and then my heart nearly exploded when he got up and came over and sat down on the bed next to me. I felt a stirring a guy shouldn’t feel for his step-brother and I had to ask myself what the hell have I gotten myself into?

  Chapter Six

  Ryan

  Alex spent almost two hours helping me with my extra credit work. He stayed true to his word and he wouldn’t do it for me either. I’d never tell him to his face but he’s pretty tough when he wants to be. We exchanged insults as usual while we worked, but there was definitely a different vibe between us than normal. It was weird to actually enjoy his company and I started questioning myself about things I’d kept locked away in my subconscious for a long time. I’ve known Alex, or at least of him most of my life. I’ve lived in the same house as him for over a year. I see him every day both at school and at home, but what do I really know about him? I know that he’s smart and he’s good-looking for a skinny little guy. He’s got a sarcastic sense of humor that I try not to admit, cracks me up. He’s been tormented for years by bullies but instead of running and hiding or having his mom go down to the school every time it happens, he stands up to them and he fights back. He has brass balls, I think. I’m sure they’re much bigger than mine.

  I’ve spent my life trying to fit in. My dad wanted me to be this big, macho jock so that’
s what I was. But that comes at a price. People expect you to conform to certain standards and behaviors and if you don’t then you end up like Alex, bullied and shunned. The idea of that scared the shit out of me. Not because I couldn’t physically kick the shit out of any one of them, but just the idea of people not liking me or making fun of me made me sick to my stomach. The guys on the team gave me all kinds of shit when they found out my dad was marrying Linda. I took it for as long as I could and finally when one of them made a crack about Alex sucking my cock I punched him in the mouth. They left me alone after that, but that was me defending my own masculinity so I got respect for it. If it had been me defending my gay step-brother I was sure that wouldn’t be the case.

  After Linda served us dinner in my room and we ate, Alex went to his own room to do his homework and I locked my door and lay down on my bed and thought about all of this. The more I thought about it the more stressed I became. The realization that Alex was a better man than me hit hard. I closed my eyes and tried to take a nap, but that wasn’t working so I got up and went over to the computer. When Alex came in earlier I’d been looking at porn. I minimized the windows instead of closing them out and now I was asking myself why. Had I wanted him to catch me? I called up the history on the computer and opened the site I’d been looking at. A quickie video of a big, muscular guy with his thick cock buried inside of a thin, wiry man came up on the screen. That was what got me off and the biggest reason that my thoughts about Alex had been evolving lately. My whole life I’d been attracted to boys, but I’d fought it off for so long that I convinced myself it was just a weird phase. There was no fucking way I was gay. Then when I got old enough to date and I started dating cheerleaders and some of the hottest girls in school I told myself maybe I was asexual because I didn’t have that desire to get in their panties that all of the other guys talked about constantly. But I was horny and I did jerk off…a lot. When I did that I’d stare at one of the posters on my wall of the famous baseball players and lie to myself once again. It was just a focal point. The male body did not turn me on.